New Hopes for the New Year
Well, here we are again, the first day of a new year. 2015 was one hell of a learning experience, I'll say that much. Every year is a learning experience, really, but this year was especially hard. Honestly, I can't say I'm sorry to see this year end.
I had a whole lot of downs this year. I had three jobs. I was laid-off from one, left the second for the third, then left the third with no other prospects. I've since had no luck with a new job. I've been in and out of the worst depression I've ever had, and when I say in and out, I mean mostly in. I've thought about suicide more this year than I have since I was in middle school and first started dealing with depression. I've dissociated a few times when the depression got so bad my mind couldn't deal with it anymore. I had another bad experience with yet another therapist. I experienced some serious side effects from new medications that just tore me down completely. I found out I have a "non-specific spot on my parietal lobe" which has been causing my migraines. I've had three sleep studies done and still no definitive answer on why I can't seem to get enough rest. (Although in fairness, I haven't gotten the results from the last one yet , but that's just because I literally slept through the appointment I had scheduled to discuss those results, so there's that.)
Like I said, I had a lot of downs, and that makes it difficult to see the ups. They are there, though. I found a therapist who actually is helping me. The new meds I'm on seem to be working. I started working with Lindsay Mack to deepen my study of tarot, and she's been kind of like a therapist too, actually. I've been putting real effort into finding a job, rather than just stressing about not having one. Also Star Wars came out, and it's really, really difficult to be upset when that exists.
The other day my therapist reminded my that wherever you go, there you are. I've lived my whole life with the mindset that if I can just get through this stage of my life, the next part will be better. Obviously that's not working, so this year I'm going to try to stay in the present stage of my life and make this part better, because I'll still be me when I move on to the next thing.
Recently my dear friend Marla took to Facebook to make this very important announcement:
"I'm not making any New Year's resolutions bc I never actually achieve those anyway so why would I set myself up for failure 💁 This year I'm just going to try to be happy and not hate everything/everyone 😇"
You know what, that sounds pretty good to me. My only resolution this year is to be present. My life may be a complete and total mess right now, but I'm working on it, and for that I deserve some credit. I'm not going to beat myself up for not being where I thought I'd be or ignore what I'm going through right now because maybe later it'll get better. Instead, I'm going to experience everything fully, and I'm going to appreciate the good stuff rather than dismiss it because my mind's trying to tell me it isn't good enough.
This year, I'm just going to live.